Day 32 - Part 1: What I did

I'm 35, by no means am I young, somehow, and this is wholly my own doing, I can not fathom starting, or running a business. In my mind's eye, I am not capable. In my heart, there is a fear, a stalking primal fear, a sixth sense corner of the eye felt someone watching me hairs on end fear. It has a multitude of names, and yet four letters do not diminish it's power in any way.

I write this, because I remember this same feeling being attributed to something else I wasn't capable of, I wasn't worthy of. Transitioning from Human Resources (HR), to something more rewarding, to anything really. It wasn't the cleanest break from a career I the better part of a decade on. I didn't float from job to job, I was unemployed for a good amount of time. I burned through my savings, I lived on floors, anywhere I was welcome to really. The adventures, the people, and the places, if only I wasn't a private person and had posted my travels on social media.

There we have it! It didn't take long to surface, "if only", the bane of my existence, if hindsight was a trade good I'd have a monopoly. It's fitting really, because this maybe the first part of a series where I'll share one of the few things I don't need to "if only" to you about because I once upon a time decided to do something about the roles I kept getting rejected, the roles I knew I could do so well in, because I fixed CVs, helped people prep for interviews and got people jobs. It became a running joke at one point, the HR guy who can't get an HR job.

Any guesses why? It was sabotage, treason! of the highest order! by me, against me, for me. My heart wasn't in it, my days got longer, my waistline wider, and my mind was dull with the pain of creating yet another account, for yet another CV filter to ignore. I knew how those things were programmed, and I was still insane enough to continue applying. I can feel my blood pumping, the anger I have towards those systems, sure, they're saving company time, but how many people hours are they wasting! I haven't looked, but I'm sure there's someone on Unwork being paid to waste time applying for someone's job. The human waste economy must be ginormous. I digress.

So did I escape? yes, and it feels glorious today, even as I write now, with no project underway, with no steady income, I feel absolutely resplendent. Why? I guess there's enough for a part two. See you after the break.

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