If you recall from yesterday's post, I intended to have two questions front of mind for myself. What am I asking myself to do? and What will it take to get there?
When I woke up this morning that wasn't the first thought I had. I did have an impulse to pick up my phone and tappity tap away at all the notifications. Two things went in my favour. The phone was charging far enough away that I'd have to get out from under the covers to pick it up. The second thing? I was overcome by lazyness. I also felt hungry. As I got up to make food, I didn't know how the phone would help me satiate my hunger. I walked out of the room and into the kitchen, and decided to finish breakfast without looking at a screen.
I was surprised at the number of times the impulse to check my phone fired off in my head and how often my body wanted to follow through and go pick up the phone. I went through a list of people, in my mind, who I receive messages from, and imagined possible requests or needs that awaited my response.
I'm not currently engaged on a project, nor is my time attached to a salary, so where is this sense of anxiety coming from, I literally have ownership over my time. My sense of alarm at this point was high. I like to think I have a measure of self-control. I rarely react to stressful stimuli, if someone's in my face, in most cases, I can walk them off the ledge.
I remember being parked on the right side of the road, when a muscle car sped through a roundabout, drifted and bounced off of my parked vehicle. The driver slammed his breaks a little too late and parked his car 15 meters ahead of ours. I jumped out of the vehicle, didn't see any damage, and looked up to see two guys angrily striding towards me. I remember being confused as to why they were angry, when it was clearly their fault for speeding through a roundabout. I saw that the driver of the vehicle looked ready to vocalize his misplaced anger. I took one step forward, spread my fingers wide on my right hand, palms facing him and shouted a forceful "STOP".
They were taken aback. I continued by asking if there was any damage on their vehicle, they shook their head no, so my follow up was "do you want to involve the police." They shook their heads no with even more gusto. So I continued, "ok you can leave now, good night". They turned around and sped off.
Stepping away from the phone this morning, felt like the moment when I was clear and forcwful with those dudes, hence my sense of alarm. I'm not sure when I slipped in to a pattern where my phone became part of my waking impulse, superseding the need to drink or eat. I would like to think that part of the reason I didn't follow through with picking up the phone, was because the question "What am I asking myself to do?" was planted the night before. Also, lazyness, it's a powerful demotivator.
I'll continue to monitor my patterns surrounding sleep, and experiment with placing the phone to charge, on airplane mode, in a location that is far away from necessary morning routines.
Are you addicted to the plasma?